He brings you new life.
I never fully knew what that signified when I was younger. I
understood that you make the decision to follow Jesus and try your best to be
like Him. I wouldn’t truly grasp what new life meant until I had felt the
weight of being right in the mud. How incredible and such a blessing is that
you can be so full of shame and guilt and suffering, and He can come along and
wipe it all away. Clean your slate and make you new. How fortunate are we that
we have a Father that loves us that much?
It is said that He creates beauty out of ashes. That He can
take something so torn apart and worn and make it bloom. That’s what He did
with my muddy self.
I do not remember how i had got there to start with. It did
not feel right...It did not look right. I knew better. I had to find my way out
but i did not know how.
In life, almost all of us have “muddy” moments - moments
when we experience pain or trials that are deep and thick and so very hard to
maneuver when we struggle through situations with obstacles in our way. Our
pain can bury us. The trials can overwhelm us. And when we finally make it
out of the mud, we look nothing like we did before.
Being raised Christian I had had enough of church, i desired
to make my own ruling not influenced by parents.
A foolish son is a grief to his father, And bitterness to her
who bore him. (Proverbs 17:25)
Being a great disappointment to my folks. I moved out
and moved in with him. Eschewing from them for months I knew I had flunked
them big time. None the less still standing defiantly right in my
recommendations.
The Party.
It
is not for kings, O Lemuel, It is not for kings to drink wine, Nor for princes
intoxicating drink. (Proverbs 31:4)
Life was happening. Partying was my second name. A party
without my presence was not much of an occasion. Most club bouncers knew me as
a regular. Until when he no longer wanted to hang around with me during his
many escapades...
Presumably I was starting to get boring...or perhaps old or
so i thought. I remember one of my mom’s many sayings that the beautiful ones
are not yet born.
My
son, hear the instruction of your father, And do not forsake the law of your
mother. (Proverbs 1:8)
Reality started hitting home. The insults. The Physical
abuse. The emotional abuse. Why was I still staying. I thought I was in love. I
wanted the relationship to work but how can love hurt so much?
A
wise son makes a glad father, But a foolish son is the grief of his mother. (Proverbs
10:1)
Devastated, hurt and ashamed I knew I had to swallow my pride
and face reality. It was time to go back home.
The Overdose.
There is a way that seems right to a man, But its end is the
way of death. (Proverbs 14:12)
I thought he would come for me or perhaps to beg me back to
him. He did not. the shame was too much to bare. What were my friends going to
think? What were my neighbors going to think? Probably I would cause attention
on myself and he would have come. I wanted him to come. I called
asking him to come so we could talk. He still did not come.
I knew what would just bring him by. I overdosed. Alone in
the house I slowly slipped into a comma.
It
is of the Lord's mercies that
we are not consumed, because His compassion fail not. They are new every
morning: great is thy faithfulness.
(Lamentation 3:22-23)
Mercy said
No through my foolishness. Alone and In the nick of time a
good neighbor found me... and was rushes to the hospital. I stayed in a
comma for 7 days and woke up on the 8th. What was more embarrassing is that he
still never came then...or ever after.
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