An open letter to my " Family & Friends"

Dear family and friends,

With over 500 contacts and double that on my phone book I woke up to an experiment wanting to see how many of my so called “close friends, allies, and close family members” would reach out and probably save me from the self-destruction path I had intentionally taken upon myself. I posted depressing status as a way of crying out for help and seeking attention. But unfortunately, none of those that I had anticipated would be the first to reach out did. Not a word until this very moment. Not to say that they did not see my depressing status but some actually downloaded the same status and posted as their own status posts.

You see many are the times that I have scrolled through my phone wondering whom to chat up with or talk to because I feel so lonely or because I need someone I can trust to just listen or because at times I am just in need of some sought of reassurance and found none.

This is to say that if I was on a path of self-destruction yesterday those that I have always claimed to be my closest friends would have never known what ailed me. Those that I have always thought to be my family would have been shocked to learn of my demise and yes even those that I pray with and share the word with in the household of faith would have missed it too.

Only 8 people from my 500 contacts reached out to ask if I am fine and say a word of encouragement. This eight individuals are not close friends they are not people that I speak to every other day they are not people that I have associated with in the last six months or an year but this eight people were quick to ask if I was fine and I know if I wanted to speak I would have found solace in this utter strangers and I am so grateful for their concern.

I believe that this over 500 persons who missed it would have been in the forefront to write condolences messages of RIP on my social media walls and their status. They would have showered me with great accolades and how much an inspiration I was to them. They would have said of how much of a role model I have been all the while and how much they can not just imagine that I am no more. They would have testified of how I walked with them in their trying times and how I held their hands in one time or the other, how we prayed together yes, they would have said all these things about me if today I was no more. They would have testified how they saw me rise from the dust to grace; a strong fierce woman they would have labelled me. Their love clearly portrayed to those that would be looking from a far.

They would have spoken of how dedicated i was to the church or how much of a go-getter i was, a charismatic, phenomenal, energetic woman is the tune many would have played about me.

I imagine that my husband would have been the most affected and he would have shared how he did not notice anything wrong with me. He would have remembered how I met him and how our life had been the good, the bad and the ugly. But I imagine that his parting short would have been something to the effect “What I know for a fact Tabby loved the Lord so much and would not have anything come between her and her salvation/relationship with God.” But he too would have still missed it.

This brings me to the question of what importance is it singing praise to the dead while all the while they were on  the earth we never said one good thing about them? Can the dead appreciate our praises for them? 

As much as yesterday was a stunt I too have walked the path of this animal called depression. I know what it is to live without sleep and what it is to forever want to live in isolation. I know what it feels not to feel loved, wanted or of any value. I know. I know how it feels to feel lonely in an environment full of people because of being afraid that no one really understands. And at times the fear of the fact that if I speak what I feel might just bring in more complications and also perhaps being labeled as “being too petty”.

People out there are struggling with worse issues I know. So, I should count my blessings and name them one by one because yes, I know there is someone fighting a more serious situation than I am. I know.

Do we still not understand that people can have depression but spend their day laughing and smiling? People with depression can have good days too, and they’re also great at faking a smile for the benefit of those around them. I know that too well.

You may think someone is “fine” because they’re posting on social media, but social media is fake. It’s usually a presentation of the best parts of our lives and very rarely includes the worst parts.

We also need to stop saying things such as “it could be worse”, “you’re overreacting”, “get over it” or “snap out of it”. These are the kinds of statements which tick over and over in people’s minds and can lead them to think that they shouldn’t speak up. People are afraid of judgement. Don’t make people feel as though they are being judged.

We need to stop saying that people are “attention seeking”, because speaking about your struggles is something that most people find very difficult to do. As someone who struggles a lot with anxiety issues, I often feel I am being judged when in retrospect it may have been a harmless comment. It is so important to be kind to anyone, at any chance you get, because you have no idea how much your words and actions can impact a person’s mental state. This goes for both positive and negative acts or comments, they can both have a lasting impact.

Oh, and PLEASE, if you notice someone has scars or wounds which you believe may have been caused by self-harm, do not ask them about it in public. By all means, ask if they’re doing okay, but do it in a one on one situation. Asking someone about this topic when they’re with a group of people is likely to make them clam up, not start a conversation about it which could help them get the help they need.

If you think someone is struggling mentally, just check they’re okay, let them know they matter to you. 

And to anyone struggling, it is OKAY to want to be alone, alone time can be great, but being in a comfortable environment with friends and family can do a lot of good as well.

A simple “how are you doing?” can go a long way, to let someone know that you are thinking of them. You don’t have to understand what they’re going through; you just need to be there for them. 

And if someone tries to open up to you, let them. Sometimes they don’t even need you to say anything, they just need to feel like someone is listening and they care.

I think it’s easy for someone who has no experience with it personally, to assume that people who are depressed or experiencing thoughts of suicide are weak - but that’s wrong. They aren’t weak, they are alone in their thoughts and tired of battling it till they’ve lost their ability to think. I think it’s important to let people experiencing suicidal thoughts or any level of depression know they are not alone and give them positive energy to feed off. Show them that there is support available and there is still beauty in life!  Even if you don’t understand or can’t relate to people in these positions, it can help just to listen.

If you suffer with your mental health or know anyone who does, remember that depression can start at any time and can happen to anyone. No one is immune to mental health issues like anxiety and depression, and what triggers you may or may not be the same as what triggers someone else. You’re still strong and there’s still a solution to the problem. It can be cured.

I want others who are struggling with their mental health to trust that there’s light at the end of the tunnel and to encourage themselves to face the reality of how they are feeling. Accept that it’s not anything to be ashamed of – and it can be overcome.