Married Single - Part 1

“We can’t go on together, living separate lives!” the song blares. It stirs something more than a tune inside you. It pounds in the chasm of your heart... 

Maybe you’ve noticed the phenomenon. Maybe you even live it. Men and women who are legally married, but who live as singles. They live under the same roof, share the same last name, maybe operate out of a joint checking account, sleep in the same bedroom, maybe share a house but sleep in different rooms, yet live separate lives. Communication does not go beyond the strictly necessary and avoids conflict so they can maintain their peaceful coexistence.

When you ask the married single about his or her spouse, there is usually an excuse why the other is absent. The excuse may be true, or they may have been carrying on the charade so long they actually believe the excuse, living in a constant state of denial. They may even be together at functions, but are not partners in life.

What went wrong? Why are they living separate lives under the same roof? Why do they say they are married, but have no partnership? 

The chasm between married singles opens, then widens very gradually. “We just kinda drifted apart,” is how it’s often described. Communication becomes shorter and shorter. Distance apart grows a little more each day. 

At first, they recognize there is a problem between them, but do nothing about it. Often the never mention it to each other. They don’t want to make a fuss. They hope the problem, or at least the feeling, will just go away. They may even mention the distant feeling to the other, but they never work on any solutions together. 

As time goes by, they get “used to” the situation and learn to live in this nether world of together but separate, married yet single. They grow accustomed to the awkwardness of empty companionship and try to ignore the whisper of loneliness in their hearts. They decide not to take the next step, divorce, because of stigma, children, inconvenience or financial implications. Yet the result is very much the same: a gnawing sense of rejection, a deep loneliness at the center of the soul, and an ongoing sadness bordering on depression. 

At this point, both of them are incredibly vulnerable to all sorts of addictive behaviors: alcoholism, lust, an affair, food disorders, and workaholism are all temptations to replace the ache in their soul. Some may just go into an ongoing state of denial. None of the options, however, negates the ache. They may mask it for a time, but the gnawing pain is there taking its toll, now with the added weight of shame. This only heightens the ache and sends them back into the addictive cycle once again.

If there’s one thing worse than a miserable, lonely single person, it’s a miserable, lonely married person. The irony is that no husband or wife marries with the intention of being isolated from their spouse.

Most people believe that marriage is the cure for loneliness, but I want to warn you: You began battling the dreaded foe of isolation as soon as you drove off on your honeymoon. Isolation has reached epidemic proportions in the most intimate of human relationships. Isolation not only leads to divorce, but it also saps the strength from millions of marriages that still appear intact.

Here are 12 subtle signs your marriage is over and you don’t want to admit it -

1. You’re living like a single person, not a married person.

2. Imagining your spouse with someone else doesn’t hurt you.

3. Your future plans or fantasies for the future don’t include your spouse.

4. The two of you don’t have sex anymore.

5. You’re making major money moves without your spouse’s knowledge.

6. You want to cheat.

7. You’re having an “emotional affair.”

8. Your goals don’t include your spouse.

9. You have different opinions regarding having kids.

10. You’re not invested in fixing your marriage.

11. You make excuses to spend time without your spouse.

12. You express contempt toward your spouse.

The situation of a married single is the most draining position to ever be in a relationship. It's almost feels like living but not living.  Alive and yet not alive. It is limiting and not a happy place. Being a married single will definitely limit one's general life. Limit their out put and productivity. That is why before committing oneself to marriage be sure you ready to go all the way. But definitely being in this position just to keep a face is not worth it. You have one life. Make it count. Be happy.