Skip to main content

40ish…





I began this Blog-spot as a 30 something -year-old single woman who fully expected to be someone’s wife at some point, who struggled to make a relationship last, who had a habit of choosing unavailable men, who lived alone in an apartment in Mombasa, Kenya and who spent far too much time doing work that wasn’t aligned with my authentic self.

I’m now in love, in love with myself, living by the sea in a Caribbean island, accepting I probably won’t ever get married again and being OK with that, and finding ways to use my gifts to create a fulfilling, purposeful, joyful and abundant life for myself and help others do the same.

This blog is about authenticity, vulnerability, truth, change, blossoming, flourishing and thriving. My 40ish ... It’s also about the pain that some of us have to go through in order to get to a good place in our lives. It’s about the work we have to do on ourselves to create the lives and relationships we deserve.

Probably written a little too late but 41 is not that late.

I looked forward to 40 last year but nothing much happened. They say life begins at 40. I lost weight I did not want to turn 40 and look old. In anticipation of great changes still nothing happened and so I stop anticipating and lived my life. One thing though that I was sure of was that I was done with marriage. It wasn’t working and I was tired of keeping a face. I hated the hypocrisy. I knew what they would have said, “pray about its sis Tabby”. What they did not know was that I had been praying for years. It wasn’t working. It was time to get real with myself. I too deserved to be happy and so I started working towards me.

I love travelling so I started travelling. It’s refreshing seeing new places. I have become more spontaneous. I am giving me a short. I have made new friends around the globe. I have changed my wardrobe. I keep buying new shoes and more new shoes and handbags. I co-started a business. Then, I started dancing again.

Finding myself all over again not for anyone but for me. With two grown kids I have no excuse. Recently I said to a good friend how my body craves for a baby, and he asked why. I said for no reason just because I could do it. My mind still tells me I should think about it more, maybe it’s a phase or maybe I am going through a midlife crisis. I still don’t know. I am yet to know. I want to live like I never lived before. I want to love like I never loved but I don’t want to get married again. Marriage scares me. The thought and feeling of being trapped into someone’s life that you don’t have anything in common with is the most draining thing that anyone can ever go though. It makes you lose yourself.

I want to own a ranch in Nanyuki at some point. With my bedroom window facing the peak of Mt Kenya. With my XX (that’s the name I call my unborn daughter), maybe someone i love, workers, my dogs and happy. I am at a place in life where peace is a priority. I am deliberately avoiding certain people to protect my mental, emotional & spiritual state.

I am a fool for love. 

My best friend says I love too much. Always scared for me. Scared that I will get hurt again. Love is the best feeling that can ever happen to a human being I keep saying especially if the person you love loves you back in equal measure. I am not afraid to love and I am not afraid to be loved again. Only that this time I will be a little bit more careful and love more with my head.


Comments

  1. UnknownSeptember 19, 2019 at 11:45 PM

    always a good read. Its Real

    ReplyDelete
  2. Dann O'WerehNovember 9, 2020 at 5:20 AM

    I so identify with this. I thought I knew love and fell in it. Then I realised from the wedding day it would't work. I mean, who starts a quarrel on their wedding day? Then three days after the wedding I found a new job and so it interfered with our honeymoon. And so I became a liar. Some men (like me) don't know how to defend ourselves. Even when we know we are right. We bottle up a surprise. We say to ourselves silently "I will make some money and take her on a holiday. I will spoil her there." Such a day for me came and I bought two tickets to Europe and arranged a seven day bus tour through 5 nations of Europe. Me and her. It didn't excite her. And all along we had become strangers. I should as well have gone alone on that tour. We were together but apart. Two prisoners trapped in a marriage. We were long divorced but only bound by "what will people say" ... Her night shifts made things worse. I spent more time in bed alone than I could care to count. I began visiting clubs instead ... to hand around counters, smiling at nothing in particular on big screens. Some days I sat near aquariums ... watching the colorful fish swimming back and forth, as if they knew I was watching them. Fish are intelligent and can spot a lonely man. I don't blame her, if I couldn't give her what she wanted. She wasn't giving me what I wanted either. We fell apart and I have been alone a very long time. And that last thought like yours visits me many times: "do I really need intrusion into my space simply because I have to marry to be validated by society? I am scared of falling into the same traps all over again. But what is faith?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Tabby CharlesNovember 9, 2020 at 9:02 AM

      Wow! Thanks for your candid reply. "Some men like you don't know how o defend yourselves? You bottle up a surprise?" Can we call this a communication breakdown? Or is it difference in personalities? I mean, i am not keen on surprises either but dude you better be able to explain a few thing because i will ask. Most ladies will do, i assume. If they are still interested with the relationship.

      I realized that when i lost interest in the relationship i stopped caring. I stopped enquiring. I stopped quarreling/complaining. They say when a lady stop complaining be very afraid.

      Delete
  3. UnknownAugust 13, 2021 at 4:48 AM

    I have enjoyed reading this blog. I can truly relate to your experience with love. Thank you for being vulnerable.

    ReplyDelete
  4. AnonymousFebruary 18, 2022 at 5:15 PM

    This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Make Room: God Desires Your Undivided Attention

Last Sunday, the Lord woke me up at 4am. After spending some quiet time with Him, I stepped out of bed at exactly 5:30 am. Being a Sunday, there’s usually a lot on my plate. Then suddenly, I remembered that there was supposed to be a video shoot in my house that day—something that had completely slipped my mind. As I prepared my cup of coffee, the Holy Spirit nudged me to pick up my Bible and spend more time with Him. I could sense the Lord was longing for my undivided attention. So, I opened my Bible and asked the Holy Spirit what He desired to teach me. He led me to Joshua 5. I began reading quietly, but soon felt prompted to read aloud. This chapter speaks of Joshua circumcising an entire new generation of Israel with flint knives. I paused and asked, “Lord, weren’t the male children supposed to be circumcised on the eighth day?” The Holy Spirit delights when we ask Him questions. It became a moment of fellowship between us. He then led me to Numbers 9, particularly verses 15–23, an...
1 comment
Read more

When Someone Else’s Win Feels Like Your Own

Some moments leave you smiling for hours—heart full, spirit light. Yesterday was one of those moments. My partner has been encouraging me to get back to blogging, saying I have a gift for storytelling. Maybe he’s right, because if ever there was a story worth sharing, it’s this one. Lately, I’ve noticed something beautiful—young ladies and gentlemen speaking to me from a place of motherhood. Some even call me Mom. It’s a title I’m slowly embracing, because I feel that, by the grace of God, I might be mentoring them or guiding them in the right direction. It’s such a humbling experience. Mom it is. There’s one young man in particular—someone I’m connected to through leadership. Over time, I’ve come to deeply admire his commitment to God, his hunger for spiritual growth, and the way he quietly lives out his faith. Yesterday, he called and invited me to walk with him through an incredibly personal milestone in his life. My heart almost burst. First, from the honor of him seeing me and cho...
Post a Comment
Read more

When Church Hurts

There is always an unpleasant awareness of how much hurt comes from the church. It's an unspoken hurt. Today as i shared with a friend about this topic i echoed how church hurt is almost if not at all similar to family hurt or worse. Many of us may be experiencing or may have experienced church hurt. What makes it different is that it happens in the place where you thought safety existed. Psalm 41:9 Yea, mine own familiar friend, in whom I trusted, which did eat of my bread, hath lifted up his heel against me. If you are a regular attendee of a church, ministry, or faith group, the chances are high that at one time or another you’ve had your feelings hurt, either by a member of the congregation, or even by a Pastor, Minister or other Church leader. The feeling that immediately sets in is why? Why would those that you thought would be your "protectors" all of a sudden seem or feel some type of way about you? Why the outright jealous? Why the consistent gossip? The ma...
Post a Comment
Read more