I began this Blog-spot as a 30 something -year-old single woman
who fully expected to be someone’s wife at some point, who struggled to make a
relationship last, who had a habit of choosing unavailable men, who lived alone
in an apartment in Mombasa, Kenya and who spent far too much time doing work
that wasn’t aligned with my authentic self.
I’m now in
love, in love with myself, living by the sea in a Caribbean island,
accepting I probably won’t ever get married again and being OK with
that, and finding ways to use my gifts to create a fulfilling, purposeful,
joyful and abundant life for myself and help others do the same.
This blog is
about authenticity, vulnerability, truth, change, blossoming, flourishing and
thriving. My 40ish ... It’s also about the pain that some of us have to go
through in order to get to a good place in our lives. It’s about the work we
have to do on ourselves to create the lives and relationships we deserve.
Probably
written a little too late but 41 is not that late.
I looked
forward to 40 last year but nothing much happened. They say life begins at 40.
I lost weight I did not want to turn 40 and look old. In anticipation of great
changes still nothing happened and so I stop anticipating and lived my life.
One thing though that I was sure of was that I was done with marriage. It
wasn’t working and I was tired of keeping a face. I hated the hypocrisy. I knew
what they would have said, “pray about its sis Tabby”. What they did not know
was that I had been praying for years. It wasn’t working. It was time to get
real with myself. I too deserved to be happy and so I started working towards
me.
I love
travelling so I started travelling. It’s refreshing seeing new places. I have
become more spontaneous. I am giving me a short. I have made new friends around
the globe. I have changed my wardrobe. I keep buying new shoes and more new
shoes and handbags. I co-started a business. Then, I started dancing again.
Finding
myself all over again not for anyone but for me. With two grown kids I have no
excuse. Recently I said to a good friend how my body craves for a baby, and he
asked why. I said for no reason just because I could do it. My mind still tells
me I should think about it more, maybe it’s a phase or maybe I am going through
a midlife crisis. I still don’t know. I am yet to know. I want to live like I
never lived before. I want to love like I never loved but I don’t want to get
married again. Marriage scares me. The thought and feeling of being trapped
into someone’s life that you don’t have anything in common with is the most
draining thing that anyone can ever go though. It makes you lose yourself.
I want to own
a ranch in Nanyuki at some point. With my bedroom window facing the peak of Mt
Kenya. With my XX (that’s the name I call my unborn daughter), maybe someone i
love, workers, my dogs and happy.
I am a fool
for love.
My best friend says I love too much. Always scared for me. Scared
that I will get hurt again. Love is the best feeling that can ever happen to a
human being I keep saying especially if the person you love loves you back in
equal measure. I am not afraid to love and I am not afraid to be loved again.
Only that this time I will be a little bit more careful and love more with my
head.
always a good read. Its Real
ReplyDeleteI so identify with this. I thought I knew love and fell in it. Then I realised from the wedding day it would't work. I mean, who starts a quarrel on their wedding day? Then three days after the wedding I found a new job and so it interfered with our honeymoon. And so I became a liar. Some men (like me) don't know how to defend ourselves. Even when we know we are right. We bottle up a surprise. We say to ourselves silently "I will make some money and take her on a holiday. I will spoil her there." Such a day for me came and I bought two tickets to Europe and arranged a seven day bus tour through 5 nations of Europe. Me and her. It didn't excite her. And all along we had become strangers. I should as well have gone alone on that tour. We were together but apart. Two prisoners trapped in a marriage. We were long divorced but only bound by "what will people say" ... Her night shifts made things worse. I spent more time in bed alone than I could care to count. I began visiting clubs instead ... to hand around counters, smiling at nothing in particular on big screens. Some days I sat near aquariums ... watching the colorful fish swimming back and forth, as if they knew I was watching them. Fish are intelligent and can spot a lonely man. I don't blame her, if I couldn't give her what she wanted. She wasn't giving me what I wanted either. We fell apart and I have been alone a very long time. And that last thought like yours visits me many times: "do I really need intrusion into my space simply because I have to marry to be validated by society? I am scared of falling into the same traps all over again. But what is faith?
ReplyDeleteWow! Thanks for your candid reply. "Some men like you don't know how o defend yourselves? You bottle up a surprise?" Can we call this a communication breakdown? Or is it difference in personalities? I mean, i am not keen on surprises either but dude you better be able to explain a few thing because i will ask. Most ladies will do, i assume. If they are still interested with the relationship.
DeleteI realized that when i lost interest in the relationship i stopped caring. I stopped enquiring. I stopped quarreling/complaining. They say when a lady stop complaining be very afraid.
I have enjoyed reading this blog. I can truly relate to your experience with love. Thank you for being vulnerable.
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